Sometimes on here I’ve felt like you all get a small piece of me without all of the real thoughts – partially because it’s the internet, and real thoughts can sometimes come back to haunt you, but partially because I’m just naturally guarded to a certain extent except with a very select few. Yet I feel like after writing things on here for what, going on three years? I actually ‘know’ a lot of you, and you actually ‘know’ me, and I don’t feel like it’s a half version of me.
Does that makes sense?
Anyway – my point of that wasn’t ‘it’s all a lie! I actually am curled up in bed all day, and I have a personal photographer/stunt double who pretends to live my life for me’. It’s the opposite – this is all actually a pretty accurate description of who I am right now and what I am doing with my life, which is awesome, because it is almost the most authentic I’ve felt I’ve been able to be in a long time (minus obvious things that do not get to go on the internet – there will always be significant missing chunks to any story, particularly when they involve other people), and it’s not a bad place to be in life-wise.
I realized going into this that it was going to be long, drawn out and painful… but it was also going to end. I’ve tried over the years to truly adopt a mentality where positivity is a choice, there are things you can change and things you can’t, and each day starts off as a blank slate that you get to create. Does it mean that every day is fantastic? Absolutely not – life is not rainbows and butterflies and sunsets over beaches all the time (well, maybe that last one in Cali…)… but there’s beauty in life and in the small victories and day-to-day, just as much as there is in the spectacular. Everyday is not epic, and I might not do epic shit everyday, but I can also choose to wallow in misery, or look for the little things that make my happy and consciously seek them out to make each day different.
There’s a lot of rough stuff still going on. My life is starting from scratch right now. I have no money and live in a ridiculously expensive place. I have no idea what is going to happen in the next month, three months, six months, or life. It’s terrifying. But I’m also living in a gorgeous city where outside is free, I am (for once!) not mysteriously ill, I have a job that is flexible and just the right amount of challenge right now, I have fantastic friends that I’ve made here and throughout life… there is good right in front of me, and I might as well embrace it.
And on that note – although I woke up totally apathetic this morning (#realitycheck), I dragged myself out of bed, trotted Otis around, cleaned the kitchen, made chocolate chip waffles, just bought new running shoes (my toe is now sticking out of the top…it’s time), and am going to go cycle up Hawk Hill. Because I can.
(I also made pretzels yesterday. They tasted fantastic. Otis COULD. NOT. STAY. AWAY.)