I’ve been silent in these parts lately, not thanks to any one thing really, but rather a combination of thingz (yes, with a zed), that I neither wanted nor felt compelled to share, or have, but haven’t figured out a coherent or relevant way to do so. I’ve been waffling back-and-forth lately in general on acting on my secret (not-so-secret) desire to just disappear from all technology and hide full-on in the mountains, but unfortunately working on a computer all day in a job that requires internet and communication makes that slightly difficult. And then I waffle into well, I could just delete social media, and go back to those Day of Ol’ where the only way to get in touch with someone was to actually pick up the phone and call them, or write a letter, or visit them in person to have a real-live conversation (gasp). I get antsy at the thought of doing that though, because for as horrible as I sometimes think social media is, I do see the benefit and how it does help with keeping up with friends I’d ordinarily keep up with and puts me in touch with people I probably wouldn’t otherwise call, and how it keeps me involved in the community and does expose me to places and thoughts I otherwise wouldn’t know/think of… and I get it. And I like writing – I really like writing – and I don’t want to give that up. I also hate talking on the phone.
But sometimes – a lot of the time – I do just want to disappear off the screen so I can reappear in the present, in full, three-dimensional, living and breathing form, to interact with life in my own little orbit without the compulsion to let anyone else in or see where other people’s little orbits are taking them. I suppose it’s like all things and is a balance of finding the ‘right’ combination of connection and disconnection and modernity and nostalgia, and eventually I’ll hit my personal sweet spot.
I feel like I should dub May the ‘Unofficial Month Tara Got Her Shit Together’, in the purest sense of getting shit together, not just in the superficial admin-y ‘everything is in order’ sort of way. Everything is not really all admin-y in order (it never will be?) – I still have six months left of paying off my past life (the gift that keeps on giving), I still have piles of stuff around my house, my car windshield is still cracked – but the best way I can describe it is that the combination of several things all simultaneously coming to small and big heads has been a sort of ‘I’ve reached the top of this mountain!’ moment, where I’m now jogging slowly down into a large, wide open, undulating valley that’s overall even and steady despite having some lumps and bumps thrown in. I’ve found that there’s a certain catharsis in labels that’s brought out feelings of acknowledgment and acceptance that I’ve desperately needed so I could actually keep trucking along with life.
Anyway, I’m here, doing my thing day-by-day, getting lost while running through the Sierra wilderness, hanging out in places that don’t have reception and blissfully losing my phone for hours, hugging my grumpy (and very clingy) beagle, watching ten-year-olds hit softballs and do silly ten-year-old things, learning how to actually sit and watch movies and TV again and be okay with it, reading voraciously, sleeping in tents in beautiful places in this enormous and diverse place I live in, photographing sunsets, embracing the quiet and the chaos, and savouring the unknowns of the moments of the passing days… and thingz are pleasantly rolling along in a terrifyingly pleasant way.